enforcer's slimyboy thoughts

I can compile two alternate emo night playlists: one off of my general library (makes debloating more fun), and one that is just from CDs I acquired legally, and can turn both into Yewchube links for review when I email in a proposal. If I give them as much detail as possible and say that I am down to be penciled in on pretty much any night they don't have something else going on after June when I'll have the scooter (I don't trust the bus for late at night)...

Epiphany that woke me up: I wonder how much it costs to just rent Tide and Boar for a night, for a public facing music adjacent event. I don't have the infrastructure for payment, so would need to figure something out for that, but I have the playlist. I have light posts. Once I have the scooter, I can get downtown. I am perfectly capable of printing out flyers, although I would probably need to go to Staples or the library since (a) I don't think I get print credit until September and (b) NBCC technically bans printing for non-school purposes, and while my teal pumpkin signs and messages to housemates were fine, they may actually notice mass marketing for an event. I can probably market off of flyers and if the bar promotes, that, with no need for my own social media.

The original idea was to email Tide and Boar first about getting Emo Night North to listen to me, because they would probably listen to an established alternative venue more so than they would me. But, like, I am pretty sure that "emo night" in itself is not trademarked. It is a literal description of an event, and also, Emo Night (US), Emo Nite (US), Emo Night North, and Emo Night Karaoke all coexist and aren't affiliated. So, I could just do one myself if I can book the bar. If it goes well, that either provides a strong case to contact ENM with "people want this in NB", or I can just keep doing it myself. Seems worthwhile if it isn't too expensive for some day in June / July / August when there isn't anything else going on, and if it goes well, maybe recurring once a month or so.

Main questions are how I would get compensated for my time (although I might be willing to do it for free if booking isn't too expensive, at least while it's warm enough to scooter) and performance rights, but re: the latter, I could compile a pretty good playlist just off of legally acquired CDs I have right now, and I could get more, or if the bar has a streaming service I can jack into that. Payment is less clear. Unless they have infrastructure for that or I make a friend who's willing to be my bouncer for the night, I guess I take honor system payment by personal cash or e-transfer?

Unsurprisingly, booking for events requires me to contact their admin email. I'm not sure if they would be willing to listen to a nobody with no previous performances, but, like, it's a DJ night. All I need is an aux cable or Bluetooth equivalent thereof for my playlist and stage presence, and I have both in spades. (And if it's for a day they have nothing else going on, and I'm paying them, not sure why they would say no. I am willing to do everything else myself if they bring the space and the aux cord.)

I would be willing to do it without direct compensation to me if booking isn't too expensive simply because I think it would be fun and something nice to do once, and may be good for making friends.

So if I compile a playlist and a design for a flyer, send in my proposal, and don't get my hopes up too much...I could start at a smaller venue if I can find one just to build up rep beforehand, but T&B is known to host alternative adjacent stuff so seems like a good first try. (Speaking of which, there are several shows labeled as loosely emo-like this summer to which I will probably go, after Napalm Death on May 26th.)

If nothing else, if T&B's response is "no, you are a nobody, try a lesser bar first", they will hopefully be nice enough to tell me where one is. The fact that I got woken up at 3 am for this means that I'm not totally sure if it's "my" idea as opposed to you-know-whose, but it doesn't seem like a bad one?

if you must use generational terms for me, which I'd really prefer if you didn't, I'm a time travelling millennial

I'm about as far from a gen zedder as you can get, all my exposure to memes since 2019 has been against my will, and as you know, I detest the concepts of both generational culture and "brainrot". Every time I see someone using the word "brainrot", especially derogatorily, I want to stab them.

So I don't know what it says that my first thought when I bought stocks on Neo today and saw the ticket SKBD (Skeith Bodyguards) was "skibidi".

anyway, this is the CD I picked up. you get 3 guesses of why I thought I needed this in my life and the first two don't count. metal of some sort from montreal per a quick web search

Surprise Scene Assessment: Symphony X - Underworld (2015)

The Scene Spreadsheet assessment list remains postponed until I'm finished reassessing and debloating my music library. However, I'm still listening to new CDs as I acquire them. (although I haven't done that since last fall because I've been sick all winter -- bought a new CD at a thrift store yesterday, but realized I did not bring my CD drive when I fucked off to Moncton to sulk, so it's not getting assessed until I move more stuff from the slime house.)

This was not a new CD I acquired, exactly. Rather, I saw a tour shirt, from a band I knew nothing about and a tour I wouldn't have been able to attend even if I'd wanted to since it happened when I was in middle school and was nowhere near me, at a thrift store for 3.99 (men's size XL, btdubstep, so would not fit me in any way, shape, or form) and picked it up because I liked the graphics and thought it might make some fun patches.

I felt contractually obligated to look into the band, at least to make sure they weren't neo-Nazis or something, and maybe so I could produce an opinion if someone pulled a "name 3 songs" on me, although that's only ever happened once and was from someone closer to my mom's age than mine and at Michael's of all places.

Anyway, I listened to the album that this shirt / tour corresponded to, and actually had a lot of fun. I'm not sure if it's going to make it onto the phone library because the individual songs are a bit longer than I prefer, but they remind me of Trivium or the more classic-metal toned Bullet For My Valentine work, except with a stronger guitar / instrumentation focus and some fun synths. It's got a lot of elements I like from classical thrash metal (compare Slayer), but the progressive end means there's more "there" there. My problem with both pure thrash metal and pure fight-in-the-pit hardcore is that there's not enough going on musically, and pure thrash songs tend to be way too long -- if you're gonna be 6 minutes long, you need to do something other than the same breakdown.

They're not a priority for full assessment, even aside from needing to debloat the library, given their not being my standard style and songs being maybe too long to be effectively integratable into my shuffles, but Underworld is a fun time, helped by its excellent lyrics and theming. I don't by any means regret picking up this shirt. Just need to figure out what to do with it.

remembered that freerice exists. perhaps i will start playing it again as my Thing To Do Whilst Waiting if i don't feel like writing or drawing and already did the petsite dailies

ok apparently site permissions and shit are under "let sites save data on your device" not "delete browsing data on close" where they are in librewolf

not a fan of brave overall on account of the confusing settings layout, being slower than librewolf methinks, forums being both unhelpful and actively racist to a degree beyond what i expect from the privacy fandom, and coming with too much crypto and ai crap. even if it's disable-able i don't want to see it. but a user agent switcher didn't work for blackboard and it's the only acceptable chromium browser so shrug

had to install brave (which I literally only use for this one thing) on the work laptop because the online class client my provider uses decided it no longer supports firefox and a user agent switcher didn't get around it

why is it not remembering my profile picture or camera / mic permissions I TOLD it not to delete data on close

why is Tim Horton's doing new promotional timbits with flags. the world cup isn't now, right? it's, like, in June. that's when the altador cup is

this is the closest to complete ronnieization I have ever come so I am hoping it can be cut off asap

Song of the day: Escape the Fate - Forgive Me

were getting out of here were making this happen we got a lease now to be the gremlin living in somebody's basement so we only need to go back to the slime house once to pack the rest of our stuff and once when my mom can come up to move the rest of it in. then once we are no longer dribbling slime from one or more orifices we can find a Job and everything is going to be Great

wait, to what hole is "suck [one's] hole" meant to refer? from my understanding it is not possible to suck on something that is not protruding and the whole point of holes is that they do the exact opposite of that

so like with all due respect suck my hole

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." - C.S. Lewis

glorifying obscurity simply because it is obscure, or older trends simply because they are old, or "maturity" (read: gratuitous graphic sex and violence) simply because it is "mature", is just as algorithmic and just as much missing the point of making your own tastes as the inverse.

any time you are tearing people down for something that does not affect you, or saying "no one is a real adult except me" I.e. "if I don't think you are subculturally valid, I won't treat you like a real person", you are not helping.

this is directed at someone specific on neocities but I won't say who

one of the core tenets of any culture dedicated to self-determination and self-expression despite societal expectations should be to Mind Your Own Damned Business. no one gets to decide what being a "real adult" means or what is valid to someone other than themself. if they aren't hurting anybody, piss off

if you call yourself punk, but get pissy and call people not real adults over enjoying something harmless that doesn't affect you, you are missing the point

there is nothing progressive or punk about being an asshole

friendly reminder that anything in the genre of "people these days aren't real adults, except me" is both (a) inherently ableist and (b) you being an asshole. it does not make you sound enlightened; it makes you sound like you're only secure in your own maturity by tearing down others, which if anything's infantile it's that

okay, I know French's number system is a common punching bag, but it deserves it. Yes, I suppose that mathematically, calling 91 "four twenties eleven" isn't wrong, BUT

https://www.npr.org/2026/02/19/nx-s1-5717039/baby-chicks-link-certain-sounds-with-shapes-just-like-humans-do

While the most interesting part of that section is the "Max chose his girlfriend over me" part, there's an anecdote in ICE where Ronnie's response to some roommate issues in a pre-EtF frat house was to fuck off to LA for a year to sulk, write NGE4TIC, and wait for Max to come back to him. I thought that was extremely immature at the time, but I get it now. Suppose this is basically the Noveau-Brunswickois version of that. (Now, Ronnie was probably the CAUSE of many of the house issues, and one of the housemates sleeping with his girlfriend almost certainly didn't happen. Said girlfriend or housemate is never mentioned before or since, isn't Whitney, and definitely isn't Mandy, and, well, the most important person in his life is Max.)

now, my dear sweet darling boy claims he skateboarded from Vegas to LA which seems very unlikely. That's at least a 4 hour drive, on highways, through some very inhospitable terrain. Presumably he skateboarded to the nearest bus station or friend he could carpool with.

I understand that you're God's specialest boy, have ADHD, are left handed, and were personally visited by aliens and sold your soul to the devil, so are above all mere mortals, but I don't think you skateboarded 270 miles through Death Valley, sorry.

If you're not actually going to help or listen, I'd rather be hated than pitied. At least if I'm an asshole, I have agency.

song of the day: Falling In Reverse - I Hate Everyone

got nc from expellibox 2 days in a row, either i'm winning the fuckin lottery (only thing that's going right) or it's a glitch

checked privacyguides / brave forums in regards to setting up adnauseam on brave...encountered (a) non-ironic use of "globalists" and (b) someone describing the US and Canada as "infested" by people from other places

wanna know why I don't engage with the privacy fandom? challenge: stop being racist question mark

apparently there is no native way to add metadata to audio files on linux mint and easy tag's ui fuckin sucks? i mean i was doing music assessment on windows anyway bc my yewchube downloader only works on windows but what the fuck

once draggyslair dies / when i have time and money to fuck around i will replace him with a desktop with 2 hard drives so maybe i can dual boot windows 10 again but that ain't happening until after i move

i haven't done a scene assessment since UUUH the new i prevail and i see stars albums in september bc my phone's usb port broke in october so i can no longer exchange files to it except via the internet

anyway, the Zune's mess of an inconsistently-synced library has been purged with the plan that when the debloating of my phone library is done, I will copy the newly reassessed library to the Zune, or at least whatever subset of it fits in 8 gigabytes. for tonight, however, it is getting loaded with falling in reverse and fir substitutes because holy shit

honestly despite the level of bad vibes involved, fates has been oddly absent and like hello where are you this is what you are FOR

i was hoping that i would wake up from a nap fully transformed and could go do some fates bullshit and feel better. instead i just spent 2 hours semi-conscious and am still me.

least i found a software that works with the zune

Anyway, I think even adjusting for inflation (2018-first half 22 sucked for reasons having little to do with the school year), I can officially call 2025/26 the worst school year of definitely my post-high school life and really, ever. My day to day emotional state is better than it was in, say, spring 2019, but it wasn't as...Murphy's Law-esque. (And it's more frustrated when I'm NOT dysphoric / depressed because I actually care, and also, oh, sorry, I guess all the working on myself I did do isn't enough for you!)

Although i think that Lisa's claims of "you need therapy" and of "aggression" and such is just that I think at this point I can say based on evidence that she doesn't like me. The actual department head folks were a lot more practical and clarified that it's specific social skills I need.

And to be fair, I don't like her either. I don't know her personally, but she's a hypocrite and a bad teacher and refuses to take feedback or accountability. The curriculum might be the school. Its complete irrelevance and your total lack of communication except those dang phones rants is you.

students liked me! I like working with kids! Kids like working with me! I'm good at this, damn it! That should be enough? Why isn't it enough?

I've seen bullshit online that summarizes to "teacher training is pointless; all you need to be a good teacher is to be a good person" and I've seen shit in this program that's similar: the most important part of being an EA is caring about students and treating students like people. Well, obviously not, because I am a good person, damn it.

Well, apparently I failed at practicum.

I have a meeting at 11:30 on teams to "discuss paths forward". I suspect it is going to be exactly as helpful as the previous meetings. Lisa is "worried" about me, and apparently I am incapable of understanding when people are trying to redirect me, and the maximum self-regulation I can do is not good enough. I need to learn self-reflection which apparently I don't have.

Apparently I should go to therapy to learn emotional regulation. I was regulating. But apparently incorrectly and not well enough. I suspect by "therapy" they mean "condition into acting neurotypical, voice acting all your dialogue, and suppressing everything you care about".

I supposedly can still move and repeat elementary practicum...and it will be the same result. Apparently even at maximum masking, it is still "obvious" when I am overwhelmed.

My only marketable skills are teaching and science. But apparently I am incapable of functioning in an educational environment, even with extensive accommodations / modifications for me which Max Aitken didn't tell me they were doing. So they let me delude myself into thinking I was a sufficiently capable human being and doing a good job for 3 weeks when I apparently failed at everything except dress code and showing up on time.

I don't know where to go from here. I thought I had been working on myself, but apparently something is obviously wrong with me and I need therapy, and everyone is "worried" about me.

Had I known that feeling good about myself would be pointless because I am never going to satisfy neurotypical standards, I would have spared everybody the expense and killed myself in 2020.

If I take initiative, I'm aggressive. If I do what I'm told, I don't demonstrate independence and insufficiently participate without prompting.

Apparently the only reason I was in the same classroom was that the school noticed I was incapable of proper functioning on day 2 and decided to be nice and modify the curriculum...and even with a modified placement I still failed.

Maybe I don't have a future on grounds of being me, and being in Canada won't matter. I could get an engineering job...if not for my motor skills. The only place for people like me is in engineering or coding, and I don't have the wiring for either of those.

Turns out that all the affirming therapy and gender transitioning I did to overcome my trauma and be capable of socializing and being seen in public was a waste of time. What I should have been doing was suppressing all signs of discomfort, because apparently me after 5 years of recovery still looks like something is dreadfully wrong with him.

I WAS regulating, and was doing everything about it wrong, apparently, and everybody saw right through me. Apparently I'm only capable of functioning as a human when no one can see me.

post-top surgery, I'm the most satisfied with and confident in myself I've ever been...and apparently that doesn't matter. I don't know where to go from here, because obviously my courses didn't help and neurodivergence / queerness affirming therapy perhaps made me worse.

that was Laura's suggestion at the fucking talk in the office when I stated that education and science are my only marketable skills, is that I could get an engineering job. I am not a mechanical person. None of my motor skills are good and I'm incapable of visualizing things in 3D. I am not a programmer. But apparently I'm incapable of human services, and there are no jobs in bio you can survive on without grad school. So basically I'm fucked.

maybe I can work retail at poverty wages for the rest of my life, because social media is too triggering for me (nor is my art good enough) for art commissions or most anything web-based to be viable

as previously discussed, moving back in with my parents is not an option because there is no path to a future in the US that does not require abandoning everything I am, do, and care about. I have no future in the US while being queer, neurodivergent, alternatively, or vaguely-leftist, and am unwilling to give up any of those. But now I'm not sure if I have a future anywhere else either. Maybe destroying yourself is necessary to succeed. I HAVE been working on myself...and it's not good enough.

I guess people liked God Is A Weapon, maybe. But going down the list -- the collabs he did in 2013-14 before Big Boy Viral Era with scene artists of comparable size generally worked, save the solo album which sucked. Drugs (2019) with Corey from Slipknot, and Alex Terrible and Tech N9ne on Ronald (2024), both had the reaction of "eew, why are you hanging out with...that?" I think Jelly Roll fans liked All My Life, but FIR fans didn't and that song was decanonized after the divorce. All My Women, I don't know about Hardy, but FIR fans universally despise. So I don't know why he keeps doing this when it clearly isn't working, but FIR has also been completely self-destructing since the end of 2023 so has bigger problems.

Anyway, he would never deign to hang out with Craig, whom he perceives as beneath him and also personally hates.

Been a while since there was a New Falling In Reverse Song From A Dream. I don't know what it sounded like or its title. It included Ronnie turning into some sort of Griffin or something (it looked like an even more disproportionate version of him but IIRC had a beak, and both fur and feathers) and was set with everybody doing vocals on top of the ocean, which was realistically rendered except at the edge, where they were standing, where it's like the edge of the map in Minecraft and becomes a rectangular prism that flows straight down into the void. Oh, and it also had Craig in it. With the DR mask, which dream me found very confusing because "why is he here if it isn't EtF / DIYLF?"

Completely implausible. Ronnie apparently based on the 2025 Grammy nomination failure simultaneously thinks he is the most influential and biggest name to ever live who invented everything the scene does (falls apart if you look at any other contemporary with DIYLF post hardcore band) and a new artist. Therefore, he collaborates with people he thinks are bigger than or have different fanbases than him. Which I don't know why anyone involved keeps doing it, because what ends up happening is either the other guy's fanbase doesn't like FIRonnie or Ronnie's fans don't like the other guy, and it benefits no one.

Craig would be down for it, maybe, assuming he isn't specifically avoiding Ronnie. He actually collaborates with people because he likes them, even if it's helping a smaller band which doesn't necessarily do numbers.

Song of the day: Dead Rabbitts - The Edge

"professionalism" being a fundamentally discriminatory concept terrifies me, because I NEED to get a job to maintain residency and therefore have any hope of a future. Living in my parents' house is not an option, so if even the maximum amount of suppression I can do without going insane isn't enough for neurotypical standards, I'm basically fucked.

I have accepted that at this point, electoral politics be damned, I have no path to a future in the US that doesn't require me to deny everything I am, do, and care about. I am not going to be able to get and stay hired at much of anything, let alone sustain myself, while being openly queer, trans, autistic, vaguely-socialist, and/or alternative, and none of those things are something I'm willing to give up. I'd rather die with dignity and as myself than either be murdered by my fuckwad neighbors / fuckwads in armor or destroy myself to no one's benefit for the "reward" of continuing to work a dead-end job in a country that doesn't want me to exist.

So, yeah. I can't live in my parents' house and social media is too much of an emotional trigger for me for me to be able to sustain myself based on art commissions, so I damned well hope I can find a job that's willing to tolerate me at the maximum amount of masking I can do, because any suppression beyond that and I can't do anything else.

I have basically been scripting all my dialogue and very carefully modulating tone / not doing my various automatic stims (e.g. the self-echolalia or hand motions), and staying in a specific volume and pitch range, for the past 3 weeks, so if that isn't enough for neurotypical standards or for me to be "professional" enough to have a job...

horrifying music video I saw yesterday

what if I made both vertical and horizontal versions of the new mascot / pagedoll for the homepage so it sits to the side on desktop and across on mobile? and both you can hover over to change from human to snake

slimes. jellies. oozes. ambulatory gravies.

source / ref: https://wiki.kingdomofloathing.com/A_Boat

been getting a lot of neocities follows lately? which is great but where the hell are you coming from

the sequence is as follows: (1) get tattoo, (2) gorge self, (3) pass out

see, my evil plan is that if I just keep getting more tattoos, I can delay my human ref revamp indefinitely!

if ur all nonhuman all the time what's the line between conceptual ID euphoria and things / places you just like?

legiterally set a timer on the phone for quitting time

the more bored I am, the more elaborate the doodles get (and perhaps less suitable to digitize)

useless fun fact that won't surprise you at all: any time I make a text-editing layout, no matter what or whom it is for (I have done this in shared academic slideshows), my template phrase is the Neopets shop blogs' "this is where all your spiffy text goes".

admin overriding the song of the day / forcibly nudging it because i went for ice cream last night and they were playing fucking seven years (2015) which I have disliked since its release, and THAT is what is lodged in this morning

this appeared in the shower.

[Candela appears at Zane's unveiling.]

Arlo: why are YOU here?

C: I'm Abuela's ride. She doesn't drive outside of Orre anymore, so I had to pick her up so we could take the train from LA.

A: ...uh, okay, but why is Abuela here?

C: She heard someone was having a baby.

A: ...I don't remember telling you?

C: You're right. You didn't. Care to discuss why I didn't know any of this until Abuela called me? Spark?

S: Uh, technically, since I'm using Team Rocket tech, anyone I work with knowing this baby exists could get us all fired...I told Professor Willow and he specifically told me NOT to tell you or Blanche until the kid was out so I had deniability...

[Abuela marches into the room and looks around. She doesn't register that the veiled object in the back is the tube growing the baby.]

AB: Who's having the baby?

[She notices OTL brooding in the corner and approaches him.]

AB: You are that annoying music man, yes?

OTL: ...

AB [dead serious]: Did you get my granddaughter pregnant?

[I'm not sure if Candela or OTL is more grossed out. After intense revulsion from all parties...]

OTL: Look, lady, I wouldn't want to anyway! She looks like a dude with boobs! (A comment that I saw regularly re: Candela in 2016, which I'm sure isn't at all related to her being one of Pokemon's very few obviously non-Generically Light Skinned, So White Or Japanese Depending On Translation characters...)

Abuela: ...what did you just say, young man?

[La Chancla]

OTL: wait, you weren't wearing flip flops when you came in. How did --

It's at this moment that Arlo finally decides to intervene.

No, I don't know how Abuela heard about this since neither Spark nor Arlo told Candela. It just manifested to me that if she knows SOMEBODY is having a baby, that they are adjacent to Candela somehow, and that everyone is cagey about exactly who and how this happened, and she recognizes Ronnie, there is an extremely logical conclusion.

should probably make dragon!arlo his own character page...tbh, still unsure what to do with dudesverse art but I know the current sys isn't good. at least the guys being dudes couple art can go onto a new page, and I can probably add some character page stuff to the RRverse Gallery page for commissionees' benefit re: 06, because no one else in the RRverse is getting designs

the indie web is not a movement #n+1: "switch to fairphone"...unless you're not in Europe, in which case if you're ordering your sustainable smartphone and all its parts off of Amazon overseas it negates any benefit. oh, and hopefully it actually works on your area's towers, because last time I checked, SIMs from carriers I had access to were hardware and/or software specific

literally lati@s: "it's a bird! it's a plane! it's a...dragon?"