enforcer's slimyboy thoughts

wonder if enforcer will let me make a blinkie collection...

the lower my HP and MP are the more Twitter like this thread becomes

truly unhinged and slimed today I am gonna steep my tea in APPLE JUICE instead of water

god i'm so fucking bored but also lack the motivation to do anything

guess i should do something mindless but satisfying like playing pokemon or making more neo backgrounds

brain fried, head spinning, mom's spaghetti, etcetera you know the shit

see the "fun" part of being autistic is that you get hungover from spending a night at a bar for the entire following day even if you weren't drunk in the slightest!

or maybe it's the ronnie slime whatevse

i hate

[]this

[]you

[]everything

[*]all of the above

ended up on grundo's cafe again because a friend who does in fact play there wanted me to vote for their bc entry

shit i want to like that site but it just feels phony and I don't know why

remember kids the only way to get ronnie and/or his fans to improve is to cut out their tongues and/or fingers

don't maim people this is a joke mutilation is wrong

slime's gotten to me enough to find him legitimately amusing but dw it's still contemptuous; i'm still nasty

best quality: his wiggles (MUTE UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SUBJECTED TO BAD GIRLS CLUB)

maybe if my control slips enough i'll let the slimeboy do a guest post about himself on me blog although frankly we are pretty damned blurry at the moment as you can probably tell

you come here for falling in reverse needs to die "content", right? well you're sure getting it fuck you

some "kin memory" bullshit right here

that's it that's the gender (although diylf is still better)

so getting cancelled for this but that isn't real (outside of people getting y'know consequences for being horrible and do you think I CHOSE to be like this) and i don't give a shit there is nothing going on at present except slime

if I had a nickel for every time ronald had a custom cereal box with himself I would have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

history doesn't repeat but it rhymes

whatever emotion this represents I've felt it

Thinking about poutine again...I need to find some proper vegetarian poutine while I'm living in Canada, which I didn't think would be difficult? Maybe I can talk meatspace bestie into finding a veggie place in Toronto over my spring break, since the weather is supposed to be moderately better than it was over winter break. I hope. And being in downtown should help.

I wonder if I could fabricate it myself? I know you can get frozen fries that allegedly crisp up in the air fryer, and I assume pre-made cheese curds exist. The issue is the gravy. I don't really understand what gravy is, scientifically. Meat juice thickened with flour or something, I think? There exist impossible meats that bleed. I got the impossible grounds once by mistake because I thought they were the crumbles. It was weird. Can you make gravy out of those?

oh, and here's some shit and the outfit drop from last night that I sent in texts but did not put on the thoughts page

it's both gender affirming and scary how much I actually resemble Ronnie; catching myself in the mirror is like "damn". strange to process that it is in fact me but like in a good way?

censor snake is positioned such that you can see my chin cleft which is a major part of how much ronniecore I give off, although I think my jawline is actually squarer than his

also like the syncretism of this re: the inspiration; the tank top and fishnet shirt are modern inventions but the scene belt and to a lesser extent necklace are very DIYLF / TDIMIY. and of course the tail is an OC invention from me. no specific incarnation of the ronald that has ever existed but definitely carries across the musical vibes; this is what TDIMIY sounds like

maybe I will take to wearing more gear until I move, although within the range of situational appropriateness so like maybe a belt / one of the subtler necklaces /MAYBE a small pants chain. no spikes or pentagrams, and not at practicum or work. But syncretism aside, and while I'm not compensating for dysphoria in the same way anymore, it actually did help me feel more like myself. The person who complimented me and briefly talked about FIR etcetera brought up how she likes that I am unafraid to set myself apart from the status quo re: style, karaoke choices, etcetera, and I think I needed to hear that.

This is going to sound horrifically narcissistic, but I think I needed the reminder, from reinforcement and to myself, that I am in fact the main character here and contain more interesting multitudes than any of these folks could ever imagine. (And am probably one of the most rap-cred-having people in Redactedville just on grounds of being from Memphis / Atlanta, but I know enough about that to not proclaim myself to be a rapper TM.)

just being an international student from a larger city makes me more compelling as a character concept than most people here who seem to have basically never left the area save maybe occasionally going to one of the -tons, Montreal, or Halifax. yes, I know this is probably unhealthy and I am not an anime character, but it has revived some sort of motivation in me so whatever works

the fact of incorporating more of the edge (TM) aesthetically makes the behavior feel less like masking even when I am around the house and that is basically what I am doing. And, well, Brady at least already probably thinks I'm gay, but at least he has shown no signs of suspecting I'm anything but male so whatever

and I mean that isn't even wrong; I'm predominantly masculine aligned but would still consider it gay / queer no matter who I theoretically dated. but I have given up on sexuality labels hence the emosexual coining so ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (I have used that emote a lot today. it speaks to me.)

Contemplating the wings from the "dragon kit" I bought for the horns and tail that are sitting at the corner of my room...I think I know what I want on the sleeves, unless I find some extremely cool edgy fabric -- I have the metallic spiderweb patterned Dollarama bag for one, and after winter if I can't get fabric by itself (it would feel like a dick move to take winter clothing from someone who needs it in order to destroy it), I want to find some good segment of black and red plaid either as fabric or at a thrift store for the other. I don't think I can really do patches on the sleeves because they need to be flexible, and the fabric on most of the hoodie is too thin for spikes, but maybe I could also do spikes on a flannel layer...

I have not yet played with the new studs. I'm not sure where to position them since they are the flatter kind, and also, since I have allegedly gotten noise complaints per the landlord I don't feel confident playing with hammers. Maybe in April / May after everyone who has somewhere to go leaves.

Anyway, I don't want to affix wings to the back of any of my garments because I wear backpacks, but I'm wondering if it would work and look sufficiently cool to put the dragon wings on the sleeves of the edge hoodie once I know what else I'm doing with them.

note: time zones are fucked for whatever reason when I am on desktop librewolf; desktop librewolf thinks I am on UTC but my phone uses native time zone. I did not stay at the bar until 5 am local time.

Mission accomplished -- I am back at the house, Brady's friends have left, and nothing in my room was disturbed. Apparently I got called upon twice before nominating myself for my final song and did not notice. I preferred the two songs at a time, but I suppose this is manageable if I stay for a long enough period.

I finished two of the shirt designs for my sona's ref revamp, did my Kingdom of Loathing dailies, and also sat there stewing in frustration slash contempt slash loathing, which I have every reason to feel so it was good to have an outlet for that sort of thing. I am brushing up against the limits of the KaraFun database, though, given the new system and how I can't really do screaming forward songs more than once in a given night.

I have a list of stuff that's easy and I can pull off for if I keep getting queued. If all else fails there are the stupid FIR songs. It is resonating with...something. There is something cathartic about lashing out in audio form and having folks enjoy it because they don't know that's what I'm doing. I can't tell Brady's friends to fuck off so this is what I get instead.

So I guess I'm holed up here working on some coloring for the ref revamp I can do on my phone until I get bored / sick of listening to other people doing karaoke and hopefully either Brady's friends will leave or they will believe I am partied out so will let me into my room without incident. And then I can put in earplugs and try to sleep, although I may end up playing Pokémon or something until they leave since they have been congregating in the hallway.

they should be glad they didn't give me a mic stand. I got called up again because I guess there weren't that many people in the queue and didn't really feel like I had a reason to say no, so I pulled out TDIMIY as a default that's easy on the vocal range and delivered it with withering contempt. I don't want to be here. I don't like any of you. I am only here because the frathouse I am stuck in is worse. I almost threw the mic I was given, but realized if I get kicked out I have nowhere to go. I'm not convinced some of Brady's friends aren't here but at least they aren't talking to me.

anyway, I feel like I understand the intended mindset for that song / FIR much more intimately than I ever wanted to. if anyone were in range for me to spit on them I think I might have. this is not to make me feel better it is to make YOU feel worse

well, I wanted to turn the demon loose to do his activities so

Housemate #1, the one on the algorithmic incel pipeline who uses "gay" and "retarded" generically as insults in 2025-26, brought several of his friends over to get drunk, in blatant violation of house policy. They would not take a closed door or "no" as an answer and wanted to get me to hang out with them, so what I ended up doing was answering "are you gay" with "why do you want to know" then changing the subject to "whatever just wash your dishes, or tell whoever took all the forks to return them", accepting the bribe of a beer and a toonie, then saying (truthfully) that I ought to be going re: karaoke, singing a couple of bars of TDIMIY to prove it, and leaving, being driven out into the snow. I disposed of the beer once they weren't looking.

since I am engaging in the edgelord protagonist behavior of brooding in a corner away from everyone, someone inevitably asked if I'm okay as they always do. This always happens even when I'm not actually brooding, but this time I was so I explained "my roommate and his friends have driven me out of the house and I don't want to hang out with a bunch of drunk teenagers so I'm hiding here until they leave."

...I am seeing more reasons other than "she knew that I knew she was evil" why Max's girlfriend wanted Ronnie out of her house.

(And of course that Ronnie definitely got clingy, especially since his response was being mad that Max chose his girlfriend over him so he ran off to LA for a year to sulk.)

I bet he didn't wash his damned dishes either. If you're going to stay up with your drunk friends / half-yelling phone calls / incel Tiktoks late into the night that I can hear from the other end of the hall, AT LEAST CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF

and yet apparently people have made noise complaints about Me which I'm not convinced I'm not being falsely blamed for, so I can't even talk to myself or pace in my room

Words I Think We As English Speakers Should Use More Often #N+1: fraught

dunno what to tell you, man, this body is nothing more or less than an approximation all I can do is increase the sig figs

unsure if I want to go to karaoke per se since it is snowing and gross (the classmates are rain checking to next week) but I think I need to. let the apparition have his fun little day doing ronald activities which weirdly enough actually kinda does seem to be helping? the paraphernalia provides somewheres for the slime to escape

not gonna be wearing my alternative gear to class since it ain't situationally appropriate and I should avoid being main character coded at volunteering or practicum but worth keeping in mind

perhaps if I can put up with Jacob's stupid face it might be worth resuming a regular appointment even if the townies don't know what to make of me

this is a rehearsal for next week with people I actually for some reason sorta care about. nothing more. Gots to get back in the flow

no, I don't know why this incarnation is using "gots", "somewheres", and "ain't", since neither I nor Ronnie do but that is apparently what FIR Personified does? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

what if I transported the shirt coloring WIPs to my phone and colored them at the bar tonight...

I know sketchbook doesn't like psds with too many layers but I can probs separate them into just the linearts and let each be its own image. Neopets is the big one; that's got a lot of colors plus I want to fuck with the effects so it looks as faded as the IRL one does because that's cool and edgy in its own right and just adds to the vibes along with it being neopets

The only thing I have wanted to write lately besides diary entries is flight rising lore so that's what I've been doing I guess

considering being a petty bastard and blocking some of the IKTR (flight rising) regulars who always give low effort answers

I am normally of the steadfast belief that Neopets do not fuck and do not have genitals (yes, they reproduce sexually, but it's like in Minecraft where hearts float around them and then a baby appears), but the ronald (lowercase because it is his species) is the one in control right now and he had an Idea regarding the Tagobo Potion which "makes shrunk things bigger"...I don't think I need to state what that was.

the ronald at a noveau-brunswickois cafe with a pretentious grilled cheese, staring at the disgusting snow because he just fucking wanted to not be in the house

maybe I will finally write my blog post about the fictional Id that dare not speak its name (is that ID but improperly capitalized, or the Freudian sense? Yes.)

I am not any specific incarnation of Ronnie that has ever existed in real life and thank the gods for that; I'm the character told about in FIR songs because I embody that a fuck of a lot better than he does

Ronnie is not the mad genius who became his own god; I AM

I confiscated FIR's concept core because he was misusing it and now it has merged with me. See when I ate his soul

everybody gangsta about the relationship between special interests and nonhuman / fictional IDs until you have one that isn't an animal, anime, or video game

Haven't actually been updating my official daily joplin journal in a while because this works pretty well for emotions and shit, and I don't do much most of the time that I can't post here so

• named emotion

• came up with short term (ask meatspace bestie if they are interested in talking on the phone soon) and long term (I need to get out of here) solution

• took Benadryl

• brushed teeth

• ate breakfast

• did something to calm down / wait for benadryl to kick in (Pokemon emulator)

• went back to bed

I'm hesitant to pay for FullRoid because I don't know if I'll get to keep it, but Super3DS seems to work for my Pokemon needs. Some models look a bit strange, but everything is running okay.

I guess I have a Switch Lite at my parents' house that I could theoretically reclaim and jailbreak were I into that, but I don't think it's compatible with DS / 3DS / GBA games and there aren't really any switch games I especially like. Worst case scenario, I just emulate shit on desktop ¯_(ツ)_/¯

So, if there are any emulators or whatever you want, acquire some Android device and install them now. That way, even if they are taken off Play, you have an APK file for the future / they are already installed.

Game boy / DS games emulate beautifully on mobile (although ironically, touchscreen features don't work at all; I suspect the issue is that phone screens are more precise), which makes sense because they're basically the origin of "mobile gaming" as we know it.

Oh, and my approach to Android emulators after 2027 is "leave them installed, fuck around, and find out". The USB-C port on my phone is no longer capable of transferring data, so the issue of "it would break my phone plan and I have no way to test or undo that, and I need a phone that functions as a phone" re: Google play service replacement aside, I physically can't do it. A jailbroken 3DS, I'd be paying "retrocomputing" prices for an inherently unstable environment.

I don't think that even post-2027, apps downloaded directly from APK, or from repositories like F-Droid, are likely to stop working. Developers need to be able to test their apps on live phones (especially given all the different flavors of Android and the roles of non-emulatable physical phone sensors) in order to get them onto Google Play in the first place, and you can't exactly remove Google Play services from the phone if you want an accurate testing environment for most users. So I suspect that even if you have to go into developer options to do it, raw APK downloads (or apps you already had installed) will be fine. I remember Flappy Bird.

If I can find a translation that works, I like the idea of attempting to play through a Pokemon game I know well in Spanish and/or French just as some extra practice. Maybe if the 3DS works, Sun / Moon would work well for that? As I recall, the ones after X/Y have Latin alphabet translations baked in and S/M to be blunt holds your hand about where to go.

Think I'm gonna try to see if 3DS emulation works on FullRoid, since I beat SoulSilver. I haven't played OR/AS since my original play through when I got OmegaRuby for Xmas in, like, 2017. I liked the idea of Pokemon Platinum in Spanish, but I don't think the fan-translated ROM I got is healthy; it won't resume with emulator save states or acknowledge my "native" save file from the X menu.

I also hope that tutoring helps, and that when I do my asynchronous interview I get picked for that. Webinars, and (briefly as discussed) volunteering at the school, are some of the few times I've fully felt like myself, and the latter was legitimately gender affirming, especially with all the kids organically using he/him for me and the fifth graders declaring me "the cool one".

I'm not not passing. I've been misgendered a single digit number of times since moving, and that's usually been corrected. No one's been mean. I probably don't actually need to mask as hard as I am, and I guess that's what it is, even if it's in the form of compensatory masculinity in a mode that's affirming when I can turn it off, but given my living situation, I don't feel like I can. I don't want to be any more tokenized in class than I already feel.

The issue isn't with the postbac program. I know what I signed up for re: the gender ratio of that field. It's the rest of my life around it. I honestly did not anticipate...any of this. Being one of the guys was fine for a while, and isn't NOT gender affirming, but, well, I'm not just a guy. Guess that's a useful check in / reminder that I am in fact still nonbinary.

The monologue started freaking out over how we can never go back to the US, and it's only a matter of time before exported US bullshit kills us here and we can't move to Brazil or Thailand, so perhaps "recovery" and getting self confidence and a will to live was a waste of time. 2021 was the last "good" year anyone in my demographic could have had and I blew it.

That isn't what it's about. Rather, [Housemate1] has taken to watching "AI"-narrated incel-adjacent misogyny videos on TikTok, loudly enough I can hear them from the other end of the hall, or from across the wall to the bathroom. One of the classmates who sits in my row regularly consumes content (and I only use that word derogatorily) about Hogwarts Legacy. I don't feel safe explaining why those things bother me without it turning me into the default educator. [Housemate1] is also known, by me overhearing it, to use "gay" and "retarded" derogatorily.

The monologue has also grumbled about how "our ronnie slime infection is getting worse", but what other option do I have? One of my housemates is now known to use "gay" and "retarded" derogatorily in 2025-26, is at least on the incel algorithm pipeline, and is known to be willing to resort to physical violence until [Housemate2] bailed him out! I'm not gonna be openly queer / neurodivergent / etcetera in this house!

I don't really have any meaningful outlet or anyone to be...myself around; even in class where I'm nominally out I'm still one of 3 total guys so can definitely feel the compensating. It isn't NOT gender affirming, and it isn't WRONG, but I don't think the combo of living in what amounts to a frat house with...that as my floormate and all my other social circumstances is good for me.

However, I have no in person outlets or spaces I feel meaningfully comfortable in, and have no way to get them save waiting for spring break or the occasional weekend. I can't even dissect my feelings by pacing because I've apparently been getting noise complaints and it's too damned cold.

I've literally been on campus for 2 weeks and the only thing I can focus on is getting out of here.

Hopefully going to karaoke again, with the classmates for support, helps. They mentioned this while we were talking (and I actually did relax a bit; [instructor] being open herself helps) on Wednesday and I'm going to hold them to it. I'm not doing karaoke if no one whom I know will support me is there, because I don't like being gawked at in confusion save a few pity claps. And I need to bring my own index cards.

I don't feel uncomfortable, per se, in class or in education as a field. It's something I care deeply about and would like to think I'm good at, and being a very female dominated space doesn't bother me. It's just the intersection of that, and a frat house, being where I have spent all my time except breaks since August, and there being no escape. The autism resources / self advocacy org has probably ceased to meaningfully exist, so even if I could get across the bridge reliably, no hope there.

I need to fill out my change of enrollment form. I'm not going to request a weekend off when I haven't even been here a month and have spring break plans.

Yes, the irony of the safe mode boot I have fallen back on being Ronnie, who is himself very obviously and semi-openly neurodivergent and definitely not heterosexual or entirely gender conforming, is not lost on me, but apparently that's what compensatory masculinity looks like to me. Which is fun and cool in small doses, but I feel like Compensatory Masculinity has been my default mode since August. When I'm not in Re'dville, I can relax. I didn't feel at all uncomfortable at the concert over my birthday weekend, or at the mall, or at my tattoo appointment, or in Toronto for example. Even if I don't out myself unless someone asks or it comes up naturally because why would I, there's a difference between passing and...whatever I've been doing.

Finally finished the SoulSilver game I had in FullRoid from the drive to Canada this summer. Picked it up again on the bus / plane to and from winter break and kept at it as something to do instead of absently refreshing VP. The gang as of beating Red.

the apparition of ronnie that sits on my shoulder has been making all sorts of questionable canada jokes, which I have mostly kept under wraps. that one appeared to me when I was walking back from class yesterday and just reappeared and is, unfortunately, hilarious

concept: fashionably late with stereotypical canadian accent (which is a thing, but not quite as pronounced as american media makes it out to be)

withoot a doot sore-y aboot having sex with all your friends~

the snake wants to sleep because it's cold and gross; the ronald wants to sleep all day because he hates the sun(lAAIght). we are not the same

Bad guy (2024) stuck in head. Pain. Suffering, even.

honestly that song would be on some level gender if it wasn't so damned daft. and didn't suck

think I found a good Draggyslair replacement desktop -- this guy's got all the specs I want, comes with Windows 10, and even has an optical drive! Hard drive space and ports are better. RAM and processor are equivalent, but overkill for what I do. Graphics are probably worse, but I don't actually do anything complex / 3D enough to warrant my GeForce card so all it does is cause problems with NVIDIA's shitty drivers.

Also, I like office towers. My last 2 computers were rescued from getting thrown out with office upgrades / moves, and there's just something charming about them. I also miss my 90s terminal desk with the sliding keyboard shelf and big spaces underneath.

HP Grade A EliteDesk 800 G3 -- Intel i7, 16 GB RAM, 3 TB HDD, DVD drive (!), WiFi + Bluetooth (good because I'm probably not gonna have LAN for the foreseeable future)

During, like, my first week of university, I encountered an office tower that was basically the same model as the previous Draggyslair but a slightly worse version built for Vista instead of 7 left on the curb, without even taking the CD in its drive out. I was stricken with nostalgia, homesickness, affection, and rage and of course, carried it back to my dorm. My dad calls computers "kittens" and feels a similar urge to rescue them -- it's like abandoning an animal. You just don't DO that!

This was a full-sized late 00s office tower, so both heavy and bulky, and I ended up taking it about halfway there then tagging in a random person from my floor whom I sort of knew to help me bring it back the rest of the way in exchange for my vote as student council president. Said person turned out to be both a transphobe and an asshole, but at least they didn't win.

Also, my roommate was out that week and I didn't bother telling her I was bringing the "kitten" back to my dorm, so she came back to me, on a phone call with my dad, on the floor with a bunch of cables trying to get this thing working. She moved out shortly thereafter, but I don't think it was because of this or there were any hard feelings, since we still waved at each other in the dining hall for the following year.

Said computer is now happily dual booting XP and Vista, and my dad's considered setting them up for his old Windows games. If he doesn't use it for said, then one day when I have a stable living place with more space and also feel safe going back to the US to get stuff from my parents' house, I'm probably going to adopt either Vista Kitten or one of the two Windows 7 notebooks that are technically mine to use as an XP gaming setup because WINE is propaganda and does not actually work and virtual machines don't understand Direct-X.