enforcer's slimyboy thoughts

oh, realized I used a name I hadn't explained. Ichapod was an iPod Touch I had long ago, inherited from my mom who got it for some teaching purpose. The name is a portmanteau of Ichabod and iPod. Anthropomorphism runs deep in my family.

So I'm back to Shoppers... (reference - Yewchube. AKA, the musical that was my only source of knowledge about the Maritimes before moving there.

Literally. I forgot that nothing in this city is open on Sunday after 6:00 PM. Including Walmart, Canadian Tire, and Staples. Luckily, Shoppers was, and had an alarm clock and a "glasses cleaning kit". I would have preferred individual wipes, but the cards were not in my favor.

I think that headphone jack external speakers might be extinct. The last time I remember seeing one that went through an audio jack as opposed to USB or Bluetooth was when we had the set for Ichapod that I think died in 2014. I guess the impractical dragon headset has dual headphone jack for headset purposes, but I don't think that's quite the same. Of course, since I was looking for a non-ear-plugging speaker for my Zune, not sure if I can complain about extinction.

I'm very glad that I brought the Zune as a conversation piece, because it is one of the main things maintaining my sanity. While I know that practically speaking, I have nobody to blame save myself, Motorola, and Redactedville's city planning, the monologue is about ready to start grossly misusing audio equipment and I can't blame it.

grossly misusing audio equipment refers to throwing mic stands at people, in case that wasn't clear from context

Useless fun facts about the Zunes (purchased x3 from eBay in 2022 for a cosplay of the Windows 7 version mascot):

• Their official device names in the Zune Software are Huey, Dewey, and Louie. The one I kept is Louie.

• The eBay listing said that only one of them turned on. All 3 of them do, and work, although Huey and Dewey don't keep battery long if they aren't plugged in.

• One of them and I don't remember which one came pre-loaded upon being purchased with some very low resolution gay porn videos, and an extensive collection of stereotypically gay music (showtunes, Lady Gaga, etcetera). Presumably legally purchased or at least meticulously organized given its all having metadata and album covers.

It seems that the Zune library only reliably recognizes things I ripped from physical CDs and things that were on it in 2022. Everything else it's hit or miss on whether it interprets it as having metadata. I know it's just a display issue and doesn't affect my files, but it's annoying. Which means that copying my most favoritest songs is difficult simply because I have to FIND them and can't use Windows Explorer to search.

I can't really complain that much about a device I got 3 of for 30 dollars that I got as a prop for a cosplay, seeing as I wasn't even expecting it to be functional, though. (it was cheaper to get 3 zunes than one. One of them is mine. The second was given to my meatspace bestie. The third stayed home, because while I don't think they actually looked at my immigration inventory, I thought one Zune was reasonable for personal use but two would be odd.)

If I had to guess, it's that the app expects a very specific kind of formatting, and regardless of metadata, can't interpolate artist data etcetera for files without it, which not all of my downloads have. Everything that came from Windows Media Player, it knows what to do with and likes. More recent assessments that I manually added metadata to are debatable. I do have consistent filenames, but enough of the songs I like have similar titles that without artist data, it's a little hard to tell them apart. So this is an experiment in copying things I'm pretty sure I like. Loaded about 1,200 songs between what the app recognized and what I vaguely recalled liking based on titles without artist data.

Update on my phone after having gotten dropped in the toilet: now it won't register chargers at all after sitting overnight. There is only one phone repair shop in Redactedville, which isn't open until tomorrow, so I guess I'm going there after my classes. Or in lieu of going to class if I get logged out of Teams, because I need my phone to 2FA (although I have other methods on my account, I will need to go to Postbac School's IT services to let me use them vs. the phone). I got a wireless charging pad / power bank, but it turns out the Moto G Stylus 2023 doesn't do wireless charging. I should have looked that up before I bought the thing.

The Zune that I got for my Windows 7 mascot cosplay in 2022 is getting some enrichment in its enclosure, because it's going to be my primary music device while my phone is out of commission. Lovely little MP3 player with very good battery life and impressive sound quality. I just wish it let you use Media Player or Explorer to sync vs. its dedicated software and handled metadata better.

OK, I just plugged it back in and it seems to be charging. Maybe there was just a momentary blockage in the port that my fiddling with it fixed? I really hope that's the case. I can't afford this in more ways than one.

Moral of the story is to not put your phone on top of the toilet when you get up to flush, because that is sloped enough to not be stable.

Well, shit.

I dropped my phone in the toilet at dinner. It seemed fine afterwards. Now, however, it is not charging. Either it won't register a charge at all or it won't stay plugged in and just ends up vibrating constantly because it keeps shifting between charging or not. I don't know what to do about it save letting it dry overnight? I know the rice thing is a myth.

Unfortunately, the toilet had been used, and I hadn't flushed yet, so there was more than just water in there. I really don't want to replace my phone yet, especially since I have no idea what my current standing with AT&T is, but they don't have native jurisdiction here.

I guess I'll leave it to dry overnight, and if it won't charge in the morning, try to find a local repair shop? Unfortunately, Talkatone does not have a desktop version, so unless I can get an Android emulator running, I need it for 2FA.

Sparkleronnie in: The Missus And The Ex (snippet I just finished for Ronnie's Awakening)

Max is definitely being cast as Ronnie In A Different Font here, and I sort of feel bad about it given how legitimately heartbroken he is even at his nastiest in OTL, and is implied to be here. Hence why he gets something of a redemption in the Award Show Story. But still, if you ask Ronnie and/or Craig, he is VERY capable of getting nasty when he wants to.

AFAIK there isn't textual evidence for him using slurs generically, but he's a red-blooded 20-something guy in the mid/late 00s and is (to some extent justifiably) pissed off, so I think it's reasonably textually appropriate. And Arlo doesn't really notice that much because holy shit this is some legitimate Escape The Fate Nonsense that since I didn't discover FIR until 2010, I have only seen in description.

Max being the one who got replaced by Craig No Relation is not an intentional evocation of OTL Ronnie. I just needed a name for the alt-timeline bassist and wanted one of the members to be Craig but not that one for the joke, and the others were already assigned.

This isn't any more homoerotic than IRL EtF Nonsense, and honestly might be less. Thank you, Ronnie, for "how does my cock taste" and "check out my new band we're so much hotter than Escape the Fate".

This was going to be embedded as a scrolling div in the thought itself, but I was getting server errors from thoughts.page when I tried, so here it is as a paste: https://rentry.co/sxv67o72

Finally got my OG Neopets gallery fully sorted. a place for everything and everything in its place (that place being the void)

i wrote the list over text, so "void" no longer looks like a word

once I win the gallery spotlight I'm taking a lot of the NC wearables back out since they include some of my favorite items.

My goal for the plot is to finally get a spotlight win while this is relevant, seeing as I have literally had a void gallery since 2020. Prior to the plot, it ended up being a bit more of a general extradimensional gallery with wraith / dimensional / galaxy / shadow items due to a fundamental void in voids.

useless headcanon: Ronnie only took up bodybuilding ca. 2012 (I Can Explain) because he needed an excuse for his collection of men's fitness magazines, or the internet equivalent thereof.

although I do also have a very distinct image of him and Max in Max's mom's basement, walls lined with pictures of their "musical inspirations". helps that 90s Eminem was very pretty and did a lot of homoerotic imagery, and that Ronnie knows very little about the point of his work so evidently he wasn't there for the satire.

This is the second day in a row Taelia has given me a Fire Toaster. I know her prize pool is just stuff above a given rarity, but that feels about as far from thematically appropriate as possible.

Sleep Token achieved mainstream metal acceptance, something metalcore has struggled with since day 1, and has broken containment.

That's my best explanation for why almost everybody is trying to go for a lighter style in the vein of them / Bad Omens / recent BMTH, is that they would like to get out of the scenemo canon crash ghetto and play with the big boys. Or something like that. At least there are a few token tracks which evoke what IP is fundamentally good at (Violent Nature, Rain, NWO, and God), but it's disappointing to see them giving into that. Especially since they were big enough on True Power (2022) to be sold in person and advertised at Target in Bartlett, which suggests some pretty solid credence.

I expect this from Ronnie, because he's a piece of shit who's never had an original thought in his life, but I thought bands people actually like would be better than that. I guess the allure of not being pigeonholed as metalcore (TM) wins out, because apparently people STILL perceive that genre as a dirty word.

at least the new I prevail album isn't a complete departure, like, NWO and Violent Nature are excellent and embrace what they are good at as a band, but it is still disheartening to see the lowkey style where it doesn't belong and is pretty clearly based on that being a trend. which, I get that there is a valid cause for gateway songs, but I prevail is pretty big so they don't like need to do that. and it appeals less to me personally which is the important part

although ultimately it's about 90% that I just don't like it. if I wanted lowkey vaguely-orchestral I would not be listening to this genre

I respect Sleep Token for doing their own thing. Just wish everyone else wasn't also doing it, because with any given style that results in it wearing out its charm pretty fast, especially for bands for whom that really isn't their strength.

it's annoying to see I Prevail of all bands doing, seeing as their style is pretty clearly what 2019-23 FIR was trying to be and failing, and they legitimately were a substantial factor in the resurrection of rap / metalcore hybrids over that timeframe, which FUCKING SLAPS, so seeing them quite clearly using this new lowkey style that is very definitely coming from Sleep Token and to a lesser extent Bad Omens is disheartening. at least violent nature (song) uses what they're good at

damn it, sleep token.

look, I get why their stuff is popular, but it isn't especially metal or -core. I do not go into a genre fundamentally based in hardcore punk for slow-paced, vaguely horny, reverb-y introspective shit with mostly electronic beats and very little screaming. I can recognize when stuff in this genre is well-executed, as Sleep Token / lighter Bad Omens / the first two tracks of the new I Prevail album are, but I simply don't like it. It is not my style. It does not contain the elements I seek out metalcore for.

Really looking forward to when Sleep Token stops being the big fad so we can get metalcore that actually sounds like metalcore again? Part of why I like Redefined and the first half of The Wheel so much is that they are being unabashedly themselves, respectively drawing on that classic EtF core and modernizing ISS's concept with more industrial / dubstep elements. But stuff like much of the new Blessthefall album and my behated God Is A Weapon, and to a lesser extent Stay Away and Synthetic Soul (although at least the second has an actual breakdown), just feels like it's trying to imitate Sleep Token. Even when good, which GIAW isn't (I Prevail can actually sing...), it ends up overshadowing what the band's strengths are and well, it's just boring.

Suffice to say, while I really want to finish the 2023 backlog because there is a lot of fun stuff in there and Reverse Mode III kinda encapsulates the whole core theme of the Dudesverse, the dragon stuff is what is presently grabbing me, and writing Something is the best thing to get me into the mood to do that. Plus it gives stuff for Spark and Arlo to do in 2025, since they're married and Arlo is pretty well through with his inner demons -- Go Fest 2025 and the Meteor Falls story both have him coming to terms with his family / heritage, just not individually his mom, and no longer trying to deny his ancestry by heavily attaching himself to Just Being From Kanto.

Arlo's whole dragon thing, while it can't go too far, presents an assortment of cute, interesting, and/or viable for weird science scenarios into the future. Even if he can't gain any new, non-human body parts or transform in ways that would be externally visible in canon, there's a lot of, well, experimentation that can be done with the "slow transformation" concept. Both scientifically and sexually.

It's a thing I am myself into, maybe in a vaguely sexual sense, but it also makes sense with the core themes of the verse and Arlo's research interests, and introduces a possible conflict in when, how, and to whom to "come out" as such. I can't decide if he'll get any cute behavioral furry reminders, because I'm not totally sure what those would be for a divine dragon. I do want to establish at some point that he's developed type effectiveness responses, namely, resistance to fire / electricity / water / grass but increased sensitivity to cold, because that could be very cute especially since Spark being perpetually staticky is canon.

I guess logically speaking, he'd also have a weakness to Dragon and Fairy-type moves, but I don't see any natural circumstances in which that would come up. Although him instructing his Pokemon to use moves on himself to see what happens while he's hooked up to sensors would be the kind of thing he would do...

(my personal headcanon, to whom it may concern, for Arlo's type combo, is that he's Dragon/Electric because of how close he is to Spark and how important Spark has been to the transformative journey the whole dragon thing is a metaphor for. it's cute and instinct vibes TM. not sure how to imply that, though, since dragon resists electric from the get-go and it doesn't add any other resistances besides steel, which is another kind of Pokemon move you're unlikely to encounter in your everyday life. I guess if he gets hurt or more irritated than usual from being pushed into or falling into mud?)

the logical setup for that is that it's winter, Arlo complains that he's gotten worse at cold tolerance since last year and doesn't know why, and Spark points out "uh, dragons are weak to ice, even if they aren't ectotherms". So Arlo gets the idea to test that by "let's use some Pokemon moves on me and see what happens", which Spark cautiously goes along with and maybe there are some S&M overtones.

and of course, the vehicle for the Meteor Falls story is that Spark and Arlo are hanging out having an outdoor picnic and a bunch of Dreepy come up to them and latch onto Arlo, since after all, they want to seek out stronger dragons and in terms of animum emissions, he is one -- which leads to him bringing up that he wants to go back to Hoenn to see if there's any useful religious / folklore information he can get from Draconids about the whole scales thing, and to see that side of his family which he hasn't since he was 6. so the notion of dragon-type Pokemon reacting to him in the wild as one of their own is also humorous for future slice of life potential. and he does have a decided dragon / flying / things that look like reptiles bias in his canon teams, so I don't think it's too far of a reach from what little info we have

It makes perfect sense, since I need to be in a certain emotional state to write effective dialogue and ultimately, the dynamics between Arlo and his love interests are based on those between me and the friends I don't have access to at present (just with kissing). I also do my best thinking when I have something else cognitively engaging to focus on, whether that's research for a class or a mutual social exchange, and I don't have either at present. I am hoping that if I can get a job that'll help. But it is very annoying that my lack of real folks to hang out with is interfering with my ability and motivation to articulate thoughts about my fictional little guys hanging out.

I'm hoping that if I write my bottom of the barrel "god I wish that were me" snakeboy story, that will restore enough MP that I can get to the meteor falls story (mostly fantasy dragon stuff with some family reconciliation) or Ronnie's Awakening (emotional on Ronnie's end but mostly homoerotic nonsense and werewolf cuddles).

And maybe THEN I will get over my funk, or manage to find friends, or get my intellectual / emotional rocks off by successfully infodumping to someone, and can FINALLY finish go fest 2025 and get back on the 2023 backlog. Not like I have anything better to do, which is honestly also the problem. I do my best work when I have other things to do and think about, and classes and bureaucratic BS ain't doing it for me.

Basically, I am having trouble with producing "Arlo reconciles with his dad" (which the remaining last 2 segments of Go Fest 2025 are), lighthearted Ronnie nonsense, or the plot relevant emotional dialogue of Jet's expanded intro, the Arlo Gets A Kid stories, or Reverse Mode III, on account of my IRL social life or lack thereof and how my emotional centers are maybe off whack because of said.

But bio worldbuilding and abstracted (or maybe a little less than usual) horny I can do. I have actually been having something like sexual fantasies lately, although they don't involve me, and Spark and Arlo's semi-draconic trans wish fulfillment because I would love to have a penis but don't see a point in the possible complications and cost of bottom surgery since I don't really use it for anything (plus if anything, T bottom growth is the closest a human can get to what reptiles have and I think that's neat) the nicest of them.

considering actually writing the Dragon Hemipenes Segment since I have been thinking about it, even though go fest 2025 and in which Zane is produced are much closer to done and anything dragon related is set in 2025 (this one is after the meteor falls story). I am not in a headspace at the moment to write about Arlo reconnecting with his dad or much in the way of cute banter, but I have been thinking about sex in a less abstract way than usual and biology is a constant. Need to get back into writing Something which I was doing great at last week but slipped on once how fucking lonely I am got to me. Of the things I have been thinking about, this is way preferable to the others, although maybe I can segue into the more homoerotic nonsense and cuddling segments of Ronnie's Awakening.

Plus, practically speaking, the Hemipenes Segment (as in, in which Arlo finds out he might kinda have them or at least be working on it) is not "porn", exactly. It does require one of my cast members to remove their pants and have that described, but the logical setup is that Spark and Arlo are PG-13 making out / grinding / cuddling and there's a "heh, is that something in your pocket or -- wait, that's new. and shouldn't be anatomically possible since you haven't gotten that surgery yet" moment, at which point the focus shifts to scientific inquiry and "let's open it up and see what's inside" and the worldbuilding conclusion of "if a Pokemon evolution like process can grow scales and fangs on a human, why can't it invert genitals, especially if you are already enacting changes in that region hormonally". And some gender euphoria funtimes and flirting, then I can fade to black before anything with said dragon dick happens.

Is it blatant self indulgence that doesn't quite fit the Pokemon verse tone? Yes. But it makes sense for Arlo and the internal worldbuilding of animum and shadow formula and stuff we've established (especially after the TBA meteor falls story which really establishes the dragon shit). It is a thing I'm into, but is also satisfying for him, and effectively melds weird science, following Pokemon stuff to a logical conclusion, and queer neurodivergent love into one concept. It fits the Dudesverse tone.

I guess my only issue with it is that it makes Arlo's transition narrative unrealistic, and I'm slightly worried that makes him bad trans rep or something? Not sure if that matters, though, since his characterization and everything he's done except in this area is realistic. And it isn't like I'm going to do an In Which Arlo Gets Bottom Surgery story, since I don't especially want to write sex scenes and someone lying in bed for weeks isn't interesting. Plus it's established that the TGR health plan coverage for surgery which Vayera's socialized healthcare doesn't is based on what is useful for grunts, and no one recognizes grunts by their genitals.

So, obviously I can write whatever I want, but if I canonize the fantasy-biologically logical notion that Arlo's now established to be canon thing is also affecting his genitals and as such producing Fantasy Bottom Surgery like results, would that in your opinion make him worse trans rep by adding a blatant fantastic component?

(Note that since digestive hardware is way too important to rearrange and if I go with dragons being cloacal reptiles, he will be unable to pee standing up. My fantasy bio explanation is that since Arlo isn't a predominantly animum controlled development being, that the dragon stuff is happening in places where growth is taking place anyway and the animum enhancement and awakened dragon ancestry stuff can sneak in. Hence the scales because skin always regenerates, and since he's on HRT, bottom growth and musculature, but it would be very physiologically difficult and implausible [and not tonally appropriate for Pokemon] for him to grow a tail, no matter how cute that would be. I guess the red eyes and fangs don't quite work with that, but that isn't necessarily dragon; shadow formula just does that.)

I can't decide if I want to go on Saturday or not, seeing as Jacob will be there and I can't tell if him ignoring me or still being polite because we share music taste would be worse. also, he might be doing TDIMIY with his girlfriend or whatever she is to him and I don't want to see that

I am aware that the reason was probably nothing against me as opposed to "I am trying to pick up girls; you are not one", and I am aware I have no reason to be mad at him.

People have the right to set boundaries and say "I am not interested in talking to you". Sharing music tastes with me (although if he doesn't know DIYLF he can hardly call himself that) and being cute does not obligate him to be my friend.

So I need to stop acting like an asshole (specifically one particular asshole who's hijacked the controls) and accept having no local friends and that the response to my karaoke choices will be "no one knows what to say, so everyone just kinda looks at me and maybe one half asses applause to be polite" at least half the time.

I guess I can try the pop playlist for better response, especially since I have pretty much run out of viable edgy tracks I haven't done before slash don't contain notable screaming slash are in my range, until more are added to the database.

and why the fuck is he getting a better response than me (I know, because he's a local)

I thought that would help. I don't know if it did, save having some expression for my contempt. Doesn't help that the showrunner keeps putting us next to each other since he seems to think we're friends or vibes congruent.

I guess I could stop going because I don't want to see his STUPID FACE but then what would I do with myself.

Besides, this is mine and he can't take it from me. I have every right to be there. Of course, I kind of ran out of songs. Had to go into the bench just to find something vaguely vibes congruent and I'm not satisfied with how I did on either. (Paramore - Fences and Bring Me The Horizon - Happy Song [it is ironically named])

Although maybe I would do better if I hadn't been sitting there seething for two hours. Honestly, I probably should have left right then and there rather than sitting there watching people and their friends / love interests / songs that get response and feeling worse. It seems the local bikers have lost interest in my novelty, perhaps because I stopped screaming (there was some in Happy Song, but I still don't think my throat is clear even with all available meds), and who can blame them?

Is using karaoke to provide a beat for your own original work a standard thing that people do? It kinda feels like an absurdly egotistical abuse of the concept, although maybe it's because I'm still mad at Jacob and he's still cute. (the glasses make him look even more like Max.)

Like, there's a time and place for everything and this doesn't feel like it.

I mean, I'm not underage, but I look younger than I am and I guess I can't blame him for being creeped out by what looks like a high schooler trying to be his friend and ranting about a minor band interest. I would be.

Shared one picture of Max. Got immediately blown off with a polite, but pretty clear "have a good rest of your night". Well, there goes that plan of friendship. Evidently he finds me best scene and not heard. I'm not sure what I expected.

It seems his goals are to do karaoke and attempt to flirt with women, and I do not contribute to either. Or he thinks I'm too weird / gay / underage / insistent / all of the above. also ended up letting slip my opinion on how pretty Max is, which I bet is what did it if he wasn't already just trying to be polite but not interested from day 1.

The gender affirming, and likely, option is that he read me as a gay guy and is too straight for that. Which, given how I present myself and how I DID kinda find him cute in an abstract sense and probably wasn't as subtle about it as I thought, is a logical read. I'm pretty damned queer coded. By design. guess I was hoping he would either be okay with that or just read it as me being emo.

there is the factor that he has been with an ambiguous female acquaintance both times I have tried to talk to him, so perhaps he doesn't want to make a guy friend while trying to flirt with girls. Especially if he thinks I'm gay and into him, or even if just the former, since if you have queer coded friends that may turn off prospective love interests. Never mind that his voice is higher pitched and his jawline is Girlier than mine. (Which probably makes him even more paranoid about looking trans or gay, hence his "rap Casanova" persona [losing my mind, 2018])

Or if he doesn't think I'm gay, he might think I am trying to take his love interest or that I failed to take the hint and am cockblocking him.

Which I guess the latter is kinda true, since even if I can vaguely recognize it, I don't really think of romance or sex as a motivation so have not considered that I would have perhaps come off as cockblocking until now. I would stop what I was doing if someone walked up and asked me about Falling In Reverse. And have done so several times. (Also, if someone is a regular, you are Going to see them again. Miramichi kinda only has one bar. There is really no need for urgency, and buddy, you are probably not gonna get laid tonight; I don't think your lackluster lyrics about weed which you used karaoke as a vehicle for and patchy mustache are a turn on. Also, "Ronnie Radke is my spirit animal" really SHOULD alert anyone femme presenting in the vicinity to vacate.)

Since he clearly isn't interested in being my friend, I can be petty over text now.

I wonder if I could steal his ambiguous girlfriend if I wanted to, hypothetically. I don't, but as a gender affirmation thought experiment. (The apparition that speaks in Ronnie's voice is basically in complete control.) At least the one from last week was notably more emo presenting than him and complimented my bespoke hoodie (which he may have seen as a threat), and I bet I am better versed in that scene than him.

Yes, I know there is no rational reason for me to be RSD-pissed and in full possession mode over someone setting reasonable boundaries. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm so mad since he was polite and stuff.

ended up scooting around in circles doing my adventure incense because it was too early for karaoke, but I felt the need to get out of the house, and ended up thinking about Jacob and his whole unintentional role as a microcosm for my fundamental social life or lack thereof frustration.

Put as bluntly as possible, Ronnie's bullshit, or more accurately the original sources he's parroting, is why I'm in Redactedville. If it wasn't for him and the rest of the alt-right fandom and their enablers, I could have gone to DragonCon with my bestie, or waited until 2026 and gone to Camloops or Toronto, but I didn't because I wasn't safe doing so. Having access to fun stuff in Atlanta isn't worth the risk of death and/or complete loss of civil rights, and I wasn't confident US / Canada relations would remain good enough to let me out if I waited until 2026. I'm fully justified in that. I'm also fully justified in being frustrated that I'm here.

So, it is perfectly reasonable for me to find this dude simultaneously glorifying Ronnie and brushing off his bullshit as "just messing with people" while simultaneously cosplaying as a caricature of a fundamentally marginalized US art form inseparable from its history in slavery and racism offensive. But I am aware that he likely honestly does not know the context, and in the circles he runs in, has no reason to. It is literally foreign to him, and he's in what to quote my exceptionalities professor is (at least educationally) "the most inclusive province in Canada". Like a US east coast liberal but even more so. So, I am fully justified in being offended. But he is also clearly not acting out of malice or sufficient ignorance, so I can't really dislike him for it.

But fact is, he is kind of a microcosm for my whole problem. I don't regret being here. This is safer, better long term, and better for my mental health than being in Memphis or Atlanta stuck in an unstable program or being unemployed would be. But if it wasn't for the whole reason new Falling In Reverse has a platform, I wouldn't be in a situation where this asshole was my only viable shot at friendship.

The only reason I'm not a notch in Ronnie's bedpost representing lives he's ruined is that I don't have TikTok. Being able to brush off Ronnie as "just messing with people", or treat the culture of hip-hop as a costume, is a privilege Jacob has and I don't. And on some level, I fucking hate that. (Also, I consider treating rap / hip-hop as a costume to be fundamentally wrong in and of itself, but again, Southern background radiation.)

This guy is there without a care in the world parading around, whether he realizes it or not, a peddler in the very alt-right bullshit that destroyed my future and a product of one of the marginalized communities it's hurt even more in the same breath. And the whole thing is a reminder that he has the privilege and enough feeling of safety to ignore that. And therefore, a reminder of how I can't engage with my special interest's fan community because I don't, and just how damned American I am. And this all harkening back to how I don't feel confident being out because I don't want to be even more of an alien than I already am. I guess hate isn't the right word, but I resent him for being able to be...that when his US Ronnie Enjoyer counterparts I.E. how blatantly evil bullshit is mainstream and considered good family entertainment and what forced me to leave and be stuck in this backwater with one bar are fundamentally inseparable.

I think I am fully justified in being offended and frustrated and every other feeling I have. But I'm also so damned lonely and feel so alienated on campus that I feel like I kind of have to bite my tongue and try to befriend this guy just so maybe I can have SOMEONE to talk to.

not even sure what to jack off TO in a theoretical sense of using that to address my...whatever it is, because fanservice doesn't do it for me and I refuse to look up live-action porn. both because I find seeing real humans without clothes on kinda uncomfortable and because I can't be sure folks aren't being exploited.

really don't want to get into tumblrcore fanfiction site hell to even consider looking up writing guides on how to write sex scenes, and I'm not sure if I even want to do that

don't know what I want to do, but I feel kinda unclean and gross and thoroughly dissatisfied. I'd like to think that I'm pretty damned sex-positive, but, like, not for me. I don't want to do it, and the stuff I'm apparently into to the point of anatomical and psychological combo response has enough transformation elements that it isn't possible in real life, so there's no goddamned point in it.

I don't think I'm actually attracted to Ronnie, because hell no. OTL is gross and too old for me and...gross and physically makes my skin crawl every time I see or hear him in a non-musical context (or a lot of FIR songs) in live action or hear someone talk about being attracted to him. 06 is very decidedly ace, which is part of his characterization. (They are the same person, so OTL is also ace, but Flanderized OTL is Falling In Reverse personified so FIR's desires take priority. He doesn't find sex in itself motivating, and is repulsed by sex with women, but is willing to have sex with men for pragmatic purposes [e.g. he can, will, and does suck dick to get festival bookings] or if he's with a romantic partner who's into it. Even if he isn't himself motivated by it, it still physically feels good and it's satisfying to make one of his Cute Little Guys feel good)

So I think what I'm more into is either that I'd totally fuck the abstract concept of Falling In Reverse, minus the alt-right bullshit, or that I want to BE the abstract concept of Falling In Reverse and have my own cute little guy to cuddle and it's a "god, I wish that were me" but in an abstracted syncretic sense because I can't and don't want to picture myself having sex with anybody, especially not cis men. Still kinda weird, though, so Spark and Arlo are preferable.

also got no idea who to tell about this or what search terms to even bring up. yeah, meatspace bestie is technically a very similar kind of trans and ambiguously ace to me, and also writes porn so might be able to link me to some non-pruriently written tips if I seriously wanted to, but, well, this borders on what personally gets me off which I don't feel comfortable describing to a friend to whom I am very close but not like that. We do regularly discuss sex, but in a decidedly anatomical capacity, where it's a question of biology or logistics or rocks that look like dicks or humor scenarios. Not...this.

have actually been thinking about sex, like, below the waist sex, and experiencing feelings about it. It doesn't involve me; it's always been with fanfic couples, but it's weird to actually have desires. Nor am I sure what to do about it. I guess I could theoretically try writing something down re: Spark and Arlo, because I can't draw that and don't really want to look at real human refs for it.

Although I'm not sure what they would...do, or how to describe it. Looked up some safe sex guides for trans men trying to get ideas and confirmed that I'm still not interested in looking at real humans without clothes on or the idea of myself doing anything, but it didn't help with how to write about it. (Of course, it would in some ways fuse with my thing for transformation. All of the thoughts I have been having are, with either Arlo's dragon thing or Ronnie Slime. I want to have a penis, but I don't want to get bottom surgery because I'm concerned about plumbing complications and it isn't like I would do anything with it, so the T stuff is fine. So the idea of Fangpyre-style transition into a decidedly male snake, or hell, a less painful and fatal version of Ronnie Slime that just makes you a hot demon guy with young Ronnie's face and tattoo sleeves, appeals.)

Ended up with some very specific and appealing imagery re: Spark and Arlo doing some semi-draconic shit with the latter's T dick and a physical response to said upon coming out of a nap, which is better than the ones I've been having about an EXTREMELY STYLIZED version of OTL "corrupting" Andy / Max / Daniel so I guess if I'm gonna try to write something to facilitate Urges and maybe reduce my frustration, I would rather do it with them.

Guess it's a good sign transition wise that the notion of sex isn't gross and dysphoria inducing anymore, but it isn't like I want to physically do anything so I have urges I'm not sure how to address. I don't recall actually being anything describable as "horny" in...ever, really, if it wasn't a fabricated persona. (Plus it doesn't exactly fully not involve me; there is some syncretism, hence why it would be really nice to not be thinking about any version of Ronnie like that. Still don't seem interested in doing it myself with any live action person, though.)

(I am assessing Ill Niño. They're good. Start out as a metalcore / nu metal hybrid; the nu metal elements reduce over time bringing them closer to the Generic Metalcore end of the spectrum. However, their stronger melodic focus and Latin elements allow them to maintain interest in a way a lot of Generic Metalcore does not. But they aren't necessarily Grabbing Me, per se. I can't decide if they truly belong on my phone, since I can say I like them, but do I like them like them? Do I really need thousands of songs I only singularly like? Ultimately, the problem is probably that songs I like are fine for grinding soundtrack / general uses, but so are new assessments. And if given the choice, I would rather listen to something new if I'm grinding or commuting or what have you than shuffle all. And if I need a fix of power and catharsis and whatnot, songs I only singularly "like" won't cut it. Hence the "the drug in me is The Drug In Me Is You" concept, but it...isn't anymore, because I have fallen out of love with Falling In Reverse and have realized it isn't that exceptional, awkward paratext aside. I'm not sure how to balance new assessment with appreciating and familiarizing myself more with the non-SI4TW parts of my library, given how huge the latter is.)

the drug in me is no longer The Drug In Me Is You, because starting in 2024 it has been being cut with things that are both not effective and have bad side effects. So I've had to switch to synthetic substitutes for its active ingredient.

Of course, I also need to finish the last 2 Go Fest 2025 segments and get on with the fanfic backlog, but that has not been where the fixation has been lately. The main things the brain cares about lately have been scene assessment, karaoke, and virtu.pet.

In other scene assessment news: The end of the initial list (as in, my big spiritual cultivation names, folks I've seen live, physical CDs, and everyone who was in my library as of 2023) is in sight, at least for the Scenemo Canon names. Non-emo or post- hardcore punk, nu metal, etc. are being postponed due to questionable relevance.

Here are the remaining artists from the main priority list who still need to be assessed.

• Ill Nino

• The Amity Affliction

• Avatar

• Thrice

• Of Mice & Men

• The Agonist

• Fit For A King

Once these are done, all songs that passed assessment will be copied to my phone and entries will be added to the Scene Spreadsheet as per usual. However, after this list is completed, new assessments (except for newly released albums) will be postponed for an indeterminate length of time.

I need to go through and purge / curate my phone library, since it's gotten so huge that it's kind of negating its purpose. I've been spending so much time doing new assessments that I haven't been going through and curating the old selection. With roughly 4,000 songs on my phone, what ends up happening is that I assess bands, and then unless a track makes it onto Sanity Is For The Weak, end up never hearing them again, because the odds are not in my favor for much of anything. The ratio of songs I'm familiar with and like to newer stuff has been seriously off and only worsening since 2024 or so. If I've got 4,000 songs in my pocket, but only really want to listen to a fraction of them, and outside of new assessments, all I listen to is Sanity Is For The Weak, that's going against the mission statement of assessment and the Scene Spreadsheet in regards to introducing me to new music.

So, the timeline:

• Hopefully this week: Remaining primary list assessments will get done.

• An Indeterminate Period Of Time: New scene assessments and spreadsheet entries will be postponed as I go through all the songs on my phone and determine what REALLY deserves to be there, in that it's actually a song I want to get acquainted with as opposed to "sure, I would play this in the background while playing Neopets". The latter is what my computer library is for. The goal is to get a better ratio of songs I like to new stuff, and so that new assessments from this point forward or artists with small outputs don't get lost in the lurch.

• After that indeterminate period of time: Assessments resume from the Supplemental Expanded List. The low priority bands will proceed at some point, but are not the goal.

While the list of 200+ Supplemental Expanded bands is daunting, I feel like I actually have a shot at "finishing" the Scene Spreadsheet -- as I noticed when doing my Wikipedia walk to determine who belonged on the Supplemental Expanded List, I'm well-established with pretty much all of the major names, especially once I finish my remaining primary list, and then from there, it doesn't take long before the correlations start repeating themselves. I think with the Supplemental List, I can legitimately say that I am "done" with Scenemo Canon and have maximized my effective knowledge of it in regards to understanding its origins, variety, and how bands influenced each other and the subcultural space.

Of course, with 200+ bands on the Supplemental List, even if many of them turn out to be questionably relevant, I'm gonna be there a while. But if my library's bloated NOW, we definitely need to do some curation before getting into that.

The one thing this doesn't include, necessarily, is album covers, although 4k YouTube To MP3 makes an attempt. However, I listen to music on my phone in the background while doing other things, so as long as I can find songs by artist / album / title / etc, I don't really care about the visuals. Theoretically, though, if one wanted to apply album covers to one's MP3-downloaded library, they could use TigoTago for that too.

Theoretically, VLC Media Player supports syncing metadata with online sources, at least on physical CDs. However, even for physical CDs, I prefer to add their metadata myself, because in my experience, especially for newer albums or less well-known artists, automatic detectors are frequently wrong, and VLC seems to get confused by track numbers.

I think everything on here runs on Linux, except TigoTago. I don't know of a good alternative to it and it's a fucking lifesaver, but it runs on Windows 7, so what I'm planning to do when I switch to Mint on frivolity computer after Win10 end of support is to dual boot Mint and Windows 7, the latter never touching the Internet. That way, I can run things like Flash Player Projector, TigoTago, and maybe if I'm lucky some old Windows XP games that don't run well in WINE, and can use Windows Media Player classic for copying physical CDs and syncing to my phone. Not totally sure how to manage keeping things synced between Windows and Linux file systems, but I've got an absurd number of flash drives so I'll figure something out.

Useless tech trivia: the Scene Assessment Setup

I listen to music near exclusively through local MP3s on my phone. For those who are curious about what I use to coordinate and organize my library, and how I keep track of scene assessments while I'm doing them...

• Notepad++ -- keeping track of what I have yet to assess, and which tracks to move to my phone from assessed albums

• Zoho Sheet -- keeping track of bands in a broader sense, and unified opinions

• FreeTube -- streaming

• 4k YouTube To MP3 -- downloading; I use a patch so I don't have to pay for it. You can find said patch on my Neocities on /miscellanea/techystuff.

• DarkAudacity -- cutting out intros / outros and adjusting volume on downloads

• TigoTago -- Adding metadata; MUCH faster than doing it manually in the file system.

• Windows Media Player Classic / VLC / just copying files directly -- any media player that can "sync" will work for getting stuff onto an Android phone. I've been using Windows Media Player Classic because it automatically sorts things by artist folders for you, but you can also just copy files directly into whatever your phone considers a music directory.

• "Music Player" off Google Play -- playing things on my phone, the one with a red eighth note icon. Runs locally, no ads or other such nonsense, and lets me pick what folders I want to use for music purposes and edit metadata from my phone, which is nice.

For the record, doing two songs with little to no screaming, coupled with taking a full run of decongestants including the nasal spray and loading the hydroflask with tea and honey, doesn't seem to have produced much notable strain. Part of it is that I finally internalized that I have a microphone, so unless I'm screaming, I don't need to amplify myself. (And that TDIMIY is exactly what I trained for and falls 100% into my comfortable range. Which is exactly what I wanted, and something it didn't quite before I got on T, so transition goal largely accomplished?)

There is still some crud and tightness in my throat such that I would not want to try to scream or go outside of my core vocal range, but I have plenty of fun options that don't do either, and hopefully the combo of regular administration of self care and getting a humidifier so my room isn't so dry (and whatever plant matter is causing the problems dying off in winter) will get rid of whatever is happening in my throat region and return my screaming capabilities. Of course, the set of songs I can do with it is rather limited simply due to lack of database coverage, my relatively high for the genre range, and how I don't have the stamina yet to do a song that is mostly screaming.

While choices are limited, the presence of someone who knows and likes my deeper pulls in the audience also makes doing future non-bad FIR songs more viable. It did seem that leading with the very recognizable and fun Like A G6 worked to maintain at least some momentum. I have plenty of other songs with similar vibes.

TBH, "Ronnie Radke is my spirit animal" doesn't not describe me. I wouldn't use that specific term since it's a misinterpretation of indigenous culture, but he IS my gender inspiration and what I primarily vocal trained to, and I DO have his voice in my head against my will, and I HAVE cosplayed as several versions of him. (And am seriously considering attempting a WTWB / Canceled Buddy cosplay for the upcoming "superhero walk" I will be volunteering with. After all, technically, Superhero Ronnie dates back to ~2015 so it isn't specifically PM2024. And if anyone asks, I can say I'm one of many dime a dozen 90s antiheroes.)

So, like, he isn't substantially more disgusting at this appearance than I was in 2023. So as long as he doesn't do anything stupid, I can work with this. I can understand Brady's assessment of "that guy? nobody likes him!" given his whole persona, but honestly, he comes off as someone with a music special interest they're perhaps a little too heavily conflating with themself, and I can't be mad about that. Like, I personally wouldn't use the N-word in a song or cover a song specifically about Black experiences, but songs are songs. As long as he isn't conflating himself with cultural experiences he doesn't have outside of art, I don't think it really reflects poorly on his character.

And at least befriending the local asshole nobody likes means I'm befriending SOMEONE, and the karaoke patrons generally seem to enjoy him. (And me, when they know what I'm doing.)

I will come back on Thursday, perhaps test some other lighter load songs, and see if I can catch him for the promised Max infodump and perhaps get a phone number or Discord so we can exchange music recommendations. That also gives a segue to my Neocities.

I still am not 100℅ positive that Jacob isn't the bad kind of Ronnie Enjoyer, or that he wasn't trying to get rid of me, but he seems to legitimately respect me artistically and was impressed by the Scene Spreadsheet, so I don't think he was trying to get rid of me. (And not knowing Max perhaps suggests he is not up on FIR lore, and only thinks Ronnie has improved due to lack of information. At least he acknowledges that PM2024 sucks and that Ronnie's voice is messed up, so he has functional ears and reading comprehension.)

well, I will have to move my infodump about Max to next week, since it seems that Jacob / Skunko left as soon as people he cared about (myself included) had concluded their performances, but I guess I'm counting that as a success. He displays some unsavory traits, but seems capable of self-awareness so is not completely gone. The slime has not fully consumed him yet. (incidentally, he happens to have a blackout tattoo on one of his hands, which makes for an interesting visual metaphor.)

like, I have a professional duty to brief him on the lore and he doesn't seem completely insufferable, at least. he may well literally be the only person in Redactedville who shares that sector of my tastes, so is worth examining further.

And I do think he legitimately enjoyed my performance and talking to me, rather than leaving in order to blow me off, based on tone of voice and body language. I'll have to determine more about this later. it wouldn't be out of character for falling in reverse fans, after all.

The contest bracket starts next week. It is 20 dollars to sign up, which I intend to do. I will sign up next week on the 20th because there was an issue with finding my registration for Instant Cash Karaoke on August 30th due to my signing up early.

apparently this man also goes by "Skunko", probably spelled with a dollar sign, and seems to fancy himself an artist in himself. He does have pretty good rap delivery. I'm just not quite sure about his whole persona and seeming to think he has privileges, given that he lives in No Funswick and is extremely white.

Still, if he is not completely insufferable and affiliated (or thinks he is) with the local music scene, he may be a useful ally in terms of knowing about local concerts of vague interest. I really hope he isn't awful.

I admire the gumption of attempting to use karaoke as a vehicle for your own work, I guess.

Somehow, he is not aware of Max, re: my pointing out the resemblance. I need to remedy this.

Well. We have the combo of (direct quote) "Ronnie Radke is my spirit animal" and admiring the current version for how much he's "grown, in some ways" (direct quote) to which my response was "uh, he has? He is still doing the same thing that got him into prison in the first place." to which Jacob responded "he's just messing with people", but at least he agrees that PM2024 sucks and evidently seems to THINK I'm a kindred spirit, so...mixed? Question is how much disgust I'm willing to suppress in order to have someone to whom to infodump and perhaps with whom to discuss bands that don't suck, in between him and his love interest.

He also intends to do TDIMIY next week with said love interest, apparently. At least he's willing to talk to me. That's something. If he engages in any blatant bigotry or abuse apologism, I'm out, since that goes past fandom disagreements and into "you are not safe to be around".

Even if Jacob turns out to be an asshole or Ronnie Enjoyer (derogatory), just having someone with whom to discuss Ronnie, even if I end up arguing with them, might actually be fun. Thus far I have not had much of an outlet for those urges, save briefly mentioning All My Life when Brady (housemate) asked if I'd heard of Jelly Roll.

Today starts the karaoke contest bracket, and my reasoning for doing TDIMIY, paired with a more mainstream choice, is

(a) due to the throat blockage, I can sing plausibly but can't really scream

(b) it's been long enough that I can repeat it; it was literally the first song I did and no one knew what to make of me

(c) I want to have an opportunity to talk with Jacob, the Annoyingly Pretty Cultural Appropriator and literally the ONLY person in Redactedville I've encountered who knows Falling In Reverse. He kind of comes off as an asshole, but I want more information to determine if he's viable to befriend. Talking about Ronnie, and having had a logical segue to do so (he is known to have liked Watch The World Burn when I did it, and is the only person who did), is an excellent proxy for vibes to determine if he is, in fact, an asshole.

(d) it's an experiment to determine if a non-recognized song will get better results if I lead with something recognized. The results with Time Of Our Lives (Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo) and Sarcasm (Get Scared) on Thursday were promising.

In completely unrelated news, tonight's wine pairing with TDIMIY will be this, because it has been stuck in my head all day and I have no idea why. Seeing as I haven't heard it since...2021? At least? It was part of my Ke$ha etc. phase in ca. 2014, then was part of the first wave of...well, terrible quality .wav Nightcores from Scratch in early 2016 before I committed to Soundcloud. I don't think it survived in my library past 2020 or so, because one of the smartphones stopped supporting .wav format or my files got corrupted or something, plus the iPhone era was when I started getting more into Amazon Music-findable edge.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fareastmovement/likeag6.html

It's still fun, thematically appropriate, and I think it may go over well. If anyone accuses me of selling out, my explanations (true) are that I ran out of faves I can plausibly do on the KaraFun database and that I have picked up a spot of seasonal allergies (at least I hope that's what it is) which makes screaming difficult and potentially dangerous. And also, the pragmatic matter that most of my faves do not get recognized. It isn't selling out if it's a song I legitimately like.

still alive. just been doing boring real life stuff about which you don't get to know and spending a lot of time on my work computer, which is not logged into my frivolity websites by default.

look at my new kid on vp. once I restock the last of them and get 'em more treasure slots, they're going to have all of the scooters.

I love how 90s/00s gnarly, for lack of a better word, the UC Darigan Techo looks. Completely bonkers, truly.

might try doing songs without screaming, perhaps. since that's the main thing that produces the strain such that it isn't practical to do more than once a week. just kind of feel an urge to be in the presence of other sapient beings i guess

I'm only going to be singing once a week in the interest of my throat health, but I'm vaguely considering going to the bar at least for a bit tonight just to see / be around people and have more interesting surroundings to play VP / Flight Rising in. Guess I could take the scooter there, but I probably shouldn't drive in the dark until I'm more confident in general.

I know I'm gonna be awake until at least 11 anyway, so I don't really have any reason not to.

if I really want to be absurd, I can bring the portable laptop with me so I can much more easily restock / do dailies on things built for desktop. just sitting at the bar with my laptop, playing neopets and listening to folks doing karaoke. don't mind me it's to build up my visual recognition

while I think grundo's cafe's explicit ban on using those terms is excessive (that combined with its disturbingly vague ban on mentioning problematic media, shitty layout, and seemingly having a larger team than OG Neo, none of whom likely get paid is why I don't like it), I do agree with them that both people who use real world economics / advocacy terms for pet game economies and the people who point out that's inappropriate because no one's survival relies on a pet game are annoying.